06 February 2011 @ 06:40 pm
The Lonely Rentboy  
Title: The Lonely Rentboy
Author: [info]lilithilien
Fandom/Characters: OC (or are they?)
Word Count: ~1000 words
Rating: Gen with metaphors
Summary: How a sad lonely rentboy found true love, fame, and fortune. (Alternative summary: This is not the fairy tale I should be writing.)
Disclaimer: This is a true story.
A/N: Because I don’t have it in me to write porn for National Porn Sunday, have a cracky fairy tale instead. This will make no sense at all unless you are a Tweetskimo. I blame them.


Once upon a time, there was a Lonely Rentboy who lived in a little town called Güstrow. Lonely Rentboy was the only rentboy in the whole town, which made him very popular with the tourists. They came to Güstrow from every part of the country, all wanting to spend time with Lonely Rentboy. This made the other hookers very jealous. They hated Lonely Rentboy because they thought he was stealing away all their customers. “Look at how busy he is!” they would exclaim. “How will we ever make enough money to pay for medical school?”

But the other hookers were wrong about Lonely Rentboy. After visiting the castle and all the cheap restaurants and cheaper bars the town had to offer, the tourists never had much money left. “Lonely Rentboy,” they would say, “I want to avail myself of your services, but alas, I have no money left to pay you.”

“That’s all right,” Lonely Rentboy would respond, for he was a kind-hearted rentboy, and did not have the heart to turn them away. As a result, Lonely Rentboy worked hard, day and night, but remained very poor.

And so it came to pass that Lonely Rentboy became very depressed. Being a rentboy had always been his dream, but now he saw it was nothing like he had imagined. He thought of what he might do instead, but going back to school or becoming a soap actor didn’t sound all that appealing. Besides, the other hookers always told him he had bad hair, so he probably was not qualified for those jobs anyway. With his future looking grim, Lonely Rentboy’s heart grew very sad and even more lonely.

But unbeknownst to Lonely Rentboy, news of his plight had travelled to faraway lands. One of these lands was the island of New Zealand, where a powerful Faerie Queen lived in a palace built upon the still writhing bodies of her (nearly) slain enemies. “What is this hogwash?” the Faerie Queen exclaimed. “I shall not bear this great injustice!” Using her mysterious magic to communicate with other lands, the Faerie Queen raised together her forces – the evil Sorceress from the North who was sipping margaritas from the skulls of her victims, the Cruel Cyberbullies whose tongues were sharpened by the winds that blew across America’s desolate plains, and the Snarkly Minions from Lonely Rentboy’s own country. They descended upon Güstrow in a shower of fire and fury, and all cowered before them and begged to do their will.

After availing themselves of all the cheap restaurants and cheaper bars of Güstrow (and taking pictures of themselves posing outside the castle for future blog posts), these most powerful women (who we shall call Goddesses, for that is what they were) sought out Lonely Rentboy. They found him in a lonely alleyway, but he was not alone, so they respectfully waited for him to finish while commenting with admiration on his work.

At last he was done, and John (for that is what he was called) scurried off, leaving Lonely Rentboy alone. “That was hot!” exclaimed one of the Cyberbullies, for they were endowed with the gift of plain speech. “What else can you do?”

And so Lonely Rentboy described all that he might do for his clients. His catalogue was extensive and in it the Goddesses recognised his magic. Among his talents, Lonely Rentboy could make someone feel that they were flying or stepping off a cliff, balancing on a tightrope or wound taut as a spring, even sliding home as if they had once been lost. He commanded the powers of the elements as well, that his clients might feel themselves caught in a powerful eddy or cascading like a waterfall, shattered by a crash of lightning or shimmering with electricity through their skin.

The Goddesses took copious notes in notebooks made from the skin of their victims as Lonely Rentboy spoke, and after he finished there was a long moment of silence as they composed themselves.

At last the Faerie Queen smiled, and it both warmed the hearts of those who saw it and made them shiver. “We are here to help you, Lonely Rentboy,” she said in her voice that was both loving and cruel.

“Do what?” replied Lonely Rentboy.

“We shall save you!” the Evil Sorceress proclaimed, and she was both terrible and lovely.

Lonely Rentboy looked very confused. “But… but I don’t need saving.”

Finally one of the Snarkly Minions spoke up, for she was well versed not only in accounting but also in business. “Tommy – can I call you Tommy?”

“Um, you can,” replied Lonely Rentboy, “but my name is Sven.”

“Tommy, let me tell you about supply and demand…”

And so it came to pass that Lonely Rentboy learned what winding someone tight as a spring was really worth, and that 30€ was not nearly enough for sliding home, and that websites and marketing could expand his business and make it much easier to reach those people who wanted to fly. And Lonely Rentboy was well pleased.

“How can I ever repay you, dear Goddesses?”

“Have you heard of BoobieFest 2011?” they asked.

Lonely Rentboy nodded. He couldn’t say how he had heard, there had been no announcements that he could remember, but for many moons there had been a growing sense of something huge in the works.

“You shall be our guest of honour, Lonely Rentboy.”

Lonely Rentboy bowed low, pleased with this honour that the Goddess had bestowed. But when he lifted his head again, he saw that these most powerful women were vanishing from his sight.

“But where is this BoobieFest?” he cried. “How will I find it?”

“Just hold your breath,” came a whisper to him out of the mists, “and you will know.”

And so Lonely Rentboy became famous throughout the world. Tourists came from far and near, bestowing riches and wealth that he had never imagined. With his newfound affluence, he helped the other hookers set up their own websites with online chat services, and soon Güstrow had the highest doctor-patient ratio in all the land. Lonely Rentboy was even able to hire a hair stylist, and once he had good hair, he found true love. They lived happily ever after in their castle in Güstrow (and vacation home in Cannes).

~~~The End ~~~