07 June 2010 @ 12:53 am
Karma  
Title: Karma
Author: [info]lilithilien
Fandom/Characters: Alles Was Zählt, Deniz/Vanessa
Word Count: 1440 words
Rating: PG maybe?
Summary: She should have known it had to do with Roman. "It always did," a small part of her sighs in frustration.
Disclaimer: So very much not mine.
A/N: Hmmm. I'm not sure how this happened -- I wrote DeVa. IDEK. I'm blaming it on my evil plan to conquer the SEXYs Het category for yet another year. But I'm dying to know what she will think when she hears of Deniz's frustrations with Marc. She's got so much to gloat about. Huge hugs to [info]aldiara for overcoming her DeVa squick to do the most fabulous beta job ever!


Vanessa takes the train down from Boston on Deniz's last night. She's shoved what she hopes will pass for a clubbing outfit into her gym bag, not sure what people wear in New York but pretty sure whatever it is wouldn't suit her anyway. Not that it matters; Deniz has always had a knack for getting in wherever he pleased, and enough charm to pull her behind in his wake.

She's debating whether to change in the tiny bathrooms on the train or wait until she gets to Penn Station when Deniz calls.

"Do you mind if we just go somewhere quiet tonight? I'm not in much of a partying mood."

"No, that's fine." Just weird as hell, coming from Deniz Öztürk. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," he answers, and Vanessa wonders why it took her so long to recognise his lies, when now they're obvious in a single word. "It's just been a long day."

A cab takes her to Deniz's hotel and then the receptionist sends her up to the top floor. Finding his door ajar, she steps into a room smelling of air conditioning and aftershave. The bathroom door is closed tight, so she steps past it, picking carefully around the mess that's a sure sign Deniz has been there. Most of the floor space is occupied by a suitcase, gaping open, and a small round table and chairs shoved into the corner. They're covered almost completely with piles of sleek sports outfits, dull blues and greys that should look drab but instead shine like the morning sun sparkling on the ocean. The bed is strewn with more outfits, looking rumpled and worn so she suspects they're from his day's work. Pushing aside the soft piles of cloth, she sits down to wait.

Deniz emerges a few minutes later, but she almost doesn't recognise him. As he comes towards her, arms stretched wide, she thinks how pale he is -- as pale as she probably is, but he hasn't had the excuse of exams keeping him out of the sun. He hugs her and smiles a real Deniz smile, but she sees the shadows circling his eyes, and she wonders how much makeup they've used to hide them. "This isn't how you look after one long day," she thinks.

"Dude, you look like crap," she comments with enough jest that he'll know she's teasing. "If I didn't know better, I'd think you were doing real work or something."

"Says the woman who does nothing but sit in class all day. Such a tough life."

He grins, but it's thin; still beautiful but just… less there, somehow. She wonders when he ate last. Probably not today, not if he's had one of his typical shoots. She thinks of Max and how he believed models survived on air alone, with maybe a sprig of celery to revive them at death's door. That didn't work, not for Deniz.

"I'm starving," she says, although she's really not. "What are you in the mood for?"

They settle on a little Mexican restaurant close to the hotel and Deniz insists they order a pitcher of margaritas to celebrate finishing her exams. Even as ragged as he looks, his charm still works on the waitress, and the drinks come extra strong and sweet. Vanessa drinks them too fast and starts talking faster still, about the people she's met in med school, about how everybody is so single-minded that sometimes she wonders if she's doing something wrong, about how the best times she's had were when she was lost in some old bookstore. Deniz asks enough questions about her classes to remind her that he never paid attention in chemistry; she teases him about it, and he laughs for the first time since she got there.

Their dinners come, huge platters of melted cheeses and sauce, steam rising from them and tickling her nose. She feels too relaxed to even eat now, like she hasn't felt in as long as she can remember -- definitely not since she started this crash course in medicine that's left her brain as bruised as her arms always were after a brutal hockey game. She's not sure why, if it's the relief of clearing the first hurdle, or the tequila, or the ease of speaking her mother tongue, or if it's all of those things mixed together, topped with cheese and served with beans and rice on the side. Or if it's because of Deniz, who always could make her feel like herself.

Deniz, who before she knows it is ordering a second pitcher from the server.

She raises an eyebrow, questioning without having to say a word. "Celebration," he shrugs, but this time she knows that's not the reason.

"Okay," she concedes, leaning forward in case he dare think he can get away, "so what's really going on?"

For just a second Deniz seems to flinch, like she's hit him; but that's not as surprising as seeing his jaw harden. "Nothing's going on. Roman says everything's fine and I need to just concentrate on work."

She should have known it had to do with Roman. "It always did," a small part of her sighs in frustration.

"But?"

"But there's this other guy…"

"Oh, no, Deniz, tell me you didn't…"

There's a lecture perched on the edge of her lips, full of things that she's said to him before and things she'd wanted to say but never got the chance. There's the merest slip of an instant when she realises it's for Roman's sake that she'll finally get to say them. The irony of that holds her tongue just long enough for her to read the affront on Deniz's face.

"Oh," she stumbles, "you didn't."

He fills her glass from the new pitcher, clumsily spilling green ice over the side. But his words sound coldly sober. "No. I didn't."

She's surprised by how her practiced lecture vanishes. "Roman?"

More than once, Vanessa has imagined the comeuppance that Deniz Öztürk would get when his heart was well and truly broken. She's wanted him to know what it feels like to have your heart crushed, your trust mangled. She's pictured him completely broken, his tears unstoppable, with someone else's meaningless "sorries" ringing in his ear. And once, she knows she would genuinely have welcomed that. But those days are long gone. Now, as Deniz tells her about Marc -- and more, about Roman -- she can't find it in her heart to gloat.

"But he's not answering his phone now and I just…"

"You just know."

Vanessa remembers that feeling. She can still sense the twisted feeling in her stomach as what she knew warred with what she wanted to believe. Those lies she told herself back then, they turned out to be bigger than the lies that Deniz had told her. They turned out to be so much harder to recover from; she's still not sure she can trust her own intuition, even now. Strangely, she doesn't want Deniz to have to feel that.

But she knows he does. He looks up at her, eyes ringed red, not windows to his soul but to his heartache. No tears of course, not here in the middle of Manhattan. Those will come later, after they've stumbled back to the hotel, warmed by tequila and the shared camaraderie of the displaced. After they've made it back inside his room and she leans against the door, and Deniz leans against her and kisses her. After she lets him unbutton her blouse, out of detached curiosity mostly, and too much inertia to stop him. Perversely she remembers looking for her CharlieCard that morning, opening her wallet repeatedly and each time hoping the next time she looked it would have miraculously appeared. But of course it never did.

She wakes up many hours later as a siren wails from the street below. Through the still-open blinds, the city's night haze casts enough light that she can see she and Deniz have somehow made it to the bed, with both of them still wearing enough clothes to reassure her that nothing happened. His back presses up against her and he makes fretful little noises in his sleep.

Vanessa remembers a bad dream she had once, long ago, one that she tried to forget, of Deniz making love to her and Roman at the same time. It's lost its sting since; now, it feels like it must have happened to someone else.

She falls asleep listening to Deniz's fitful breath, and hoping that this time, karma will be merciful.
 
 
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Aldi: AWZ: Vanessa is a rose[info]aldiara on June 7th, 2010 05:14 am (UTC)
*paws fic*

Oh Lil, I love this so much! You've got Vanessa down pat - that sharp, no-nonsense insight, that perceptiveness about Deniz that she's always had EXCEPT WHEN THEY WERE DATING, that almost maternal vibe about him. ( I MISS HER SO DAMN MUCH, I'M SO GLAD SHE'S COMING BACK!)

And Deniz being all brittle and oh so much in need of a friend, someone who *gets* him (because let's face it, there's no one like that back home) :( Even the instinctive need for physical comfort feeding into that - although I gotta say I'm glad you didn't have them go any further than they did :p

Oh oh oh! I love the extra bits you added :D Especially max and the bit about models surviving on a sprig of celery *snickers* That strikes me as very very Max-like for some reason.

And that last line? Killed me dead. Because it's so lovely and so essentially *Vanessa* to feel that way, to forgive so pragmatically and not hold a grudge and wish for things to go better for the person who hurt her so much. And of course it's extra-stabby because there is no fucking way in hell that karma WILL be merciful... he's going to be crushed to bitty bits before the end, and dude, how much do I hope that Vanessa will actually be around then :(

*hugs you tight* This is just beautiful, Lil! (Even though I am cackling evilly at the thought that next year's SEXYS Het category might be swept clean by A DEVA PIECE, DEVA FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! LOLOLOL)

<3333333333333333
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Lilith: awz-beware of naked comfort[info]lilithilien on June 7th, 2010 05:50 am (UTC)
*squishes lovely comment love* Thank you so much -- and extra big thanks for fixing my grammar tense bounces. I iz not a native speaker you no.

I really, really *really* hope there is some Vanessa commentary on all of this mess in Essen. Most of all, I'd love to see her chew Roman out and remind him of what they both went through, and how the hell is he pulling that shit now? I think that'd get through to him a lot better than Annette's "decide now" demands. (Though I don't know that it'd do any good, in the grand scheme of things. I just want him to feel lousy about it.)

DEVA FIC WILL WIN SEXYS LOL. Although I am tempted to write a Romine piece just to make Rose's head explode.
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[info]graspthethorn on June 8th, 2010 03:50 pm (UTC)
Although I am tempted to write a Romine piece just to make Rose's head explode.

AHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA YESSSSS PLS
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geekchick1013: AWZ Woobie[info]geekchick1013 on June 7th, 2010 01:28 pm (UTC)
*wibble*

*wobble*

"You just know."

OW. Oh man, the amount of stabbity fic coming out of this storyline is just amazing, and I have to admit that I squee while chewing on my fingers when I see you or Aldi have posted something new, because I know I'm going to be SICK WITH AGONY and this was no exception.

Your description of Deniz being all pale and thin now was so great (and so true *worries*), and also really heartbreaking. Also love all the clothes strewn about, it's just so very Deniz (especially without Roman there to goad him into picking up after himself). Gah. Just... ow.

And Vanessa... oh man, just loving her here. I CANNOT wait to see her back on Show, and I really hope she gets some screen-time with Deniz during all this. But even if she doesn't, at least I've got this to roll around in.
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Lilith: awz-vanessa[info]lilithilien on June 7th, 2010 02:03 pm (UTC)
There is so much stabbity fic!! I don't know if it's that people weren't that inspired to write during the happy times, or that the story was pretty complete and straightforward (that's what happens to me - DeRo 2.0 filled in all the blanks and I didn't have to), but whatever it is, I love it!

And I feel strangely proud that I made you SICK WITH AGONY.

Vanessa, man, I hope they give her something meaty to do when she gets back to Essen. If she just pines more for Oliver I'll be so pissed! She is just the kind of friend he needs right now.

Thank you so much for reading, sweetie, and for your pain-filled comment. *loves*
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Momo: vanessa by geogiakerr[info]momogermany on June 7th, 2010 01:31 pm (UTC)
Beautiful fic, your observations about Vanessa's and Deniz' thoughts and emotions feel painfully spot on. Reading your story reminded me again, why Vanessa was one of my favourite characters from the beginning, she's so not the typical soap teenage girl, and you captured her perfectly here.

And yes Roman/Vanessa talk! FTW!!

Also, I would love to see a conversation between Vanessa and Marc. I think of all the people in fictional Essen, she is probably the only one who would be willing to listen to Marc's side of the story and be able to understand his actions and feelings. After all, her situation back then was kind of similar in many ways, don't you think!
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Lilith: awz-vanina[info]lilithilien on June 7th, 2010 02:10 pm (UTC)
Aw, thank you, I'm so glad that you thought I got Vanessa right. Much as I love the GBWI, it was seeing Vanessa -- and seeing her put in a romantic role, much as I didn't care for DeVa -- that made me really notice that AWZ was really different. She was such a brilliant character. I really hope that, when she comes back, she's got that same spirit.

I would love to see Marc interact with Vanessa or anybody else in fictional Essen, but I'm not so sure that their situations compared well. I mean, other than the person they loved being in a relationship with another. But Vanessa was very adamant about not being a "bit on the side"; that she turned out to be was completely a Deniz-created mess. Is there some other aspect of their relationship that you have in mind?

Thank you so much for reading and commenting on this! *loves*
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Momo: vanessa by geogiakerr[info]momogermany on June 7th, 2010 04:44 pm (UTC)
Well, I think both of them have very similar feelings when it comes to being the bit on the side. OK, Marc might have agreed to it for now, but it felt very much like a last desperate measure to me.
What I see at the moment is a strong, confident, in control character who would normally stick to his guns, throwing all his pride and standards overboard to be with the person he loves.
His "an affair is good enough for me at the moment" has as much to do with lying to himself, I think, as Vanessa's accepting Deniz' "I'm sorry" again and again. He is handing all control of the relationship over to Roman ,which looks like acting completely against his nature to me, just as Vanessa did when she was with Deniz.
It's hard to explain somehow, and may, after all, be only a gut feeling of mine.

* word to everything you said about Vanessa*
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[info]praderwilli on June 7th, 2010 03:51 pm (UTC)
Lil, this is a really beautiful fic. Thanks for sharing it. I really love the friendship between Deniz and Vanessa (as opposed to the bad romance between them), and you capture both characters so wonderfully here.

I'm really hoping that when Vanessa comes back to the show that she will have some interaction with Deniz and Roman. She needs to at least give Deniz some friendly comfort, but telling off Roman would be good, too. If not we'll always have this story to turn to.
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Lilith: awz-bad ending[info]lilithilien on June 7th, 2010 06:31 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! I loved their friendship too, it was such an idiot move to push it to romance. Show back then had trouble realising that two people in the same room don't have to fall in love.

Still does, sometimes.

But yes, we need some Vanessa interaction in this plot. I am still bitter that they didn't show her reaction (which I'm sure was crazy mad laughter) when she heard that Deniz and Roman were together again.

So glad you enjoyed this! Thanks for your lovely comment!
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[info]graspthethorn on June 7th, 2010 06:07 pm (UTC)
Not that it matters; Deniz has always had a knack for getting in wherever he pleased, and enough charm to pull her behind in his wake. OKAY OKAY as much as I love you and Vanessa, I have to admit I had reservations about this fic. AND THEN I REACHED THIS LINE AND YESSSSS IT'S PERFECT, ILU. Cuz even back in the day when Vanessa thought she was being her ~own woman~ and rebelling and stuff she still kinda got swept away with whatever Deniz and Tim were up to. Even when she was angry at them, she still hung out with them because O HAI DENIZ STOP OOZING CHARISMA, lol. So yeh, <333 that bit. (especially since I have this ridic image in my mind of Deniz being a ferry and Vanessa a little dinghy being pulled along in Deniz's white frothy wake. LOL OKAY DENIZ'S WHITE FROTHY WAKE SOUNDS DIRTIER THAN I MEANT IT TO BE OMG I'M SHUTTING UP NOW)

"Yeah," he answers, and Vanessa wonders why it took her so long to recognise his lies, when now they're obvious in a single word. O, Bach, ilu. That line's so sad for some reason, I kinda wanna cuddle up to you and cry IDK WHY. It's so very Vanessa, too.

the mess that's a sure sign Deniz has been there. Brahahhaha YES YES YES ZUUUPERMODEL DENIZ IN DER HAUS

He hugs her and smiles a real Deniz smile, :DDD!!! but she sees the shadows circling his eyes, and she wonders how much makeup they've used to hide them. :'C O, o Deniz, what am I going to do with you? :C That's such a Vanessa thing to wonder about, srsly. Why don't you write more Vanessa, Lilbach? WARUMMM?

He grins, but it's thin; still beautiful but just… less there, somehow. That's a really really pretty way of putting it, Bach. You're making me feel weepy again. And, right, okay, although I can totally sympathise with Deniz for the whole RoMarc thing, I've always been championing Roman. But right now? Right now I actually do feel really sorry for him and what he must be going through / what he's about to go through, and I just want to wrap him up in a hug and tell him IT'LL BE OKAY SCHATZ, REALLY. OMG. Stop changing my character alliances with your pretty descriptions >:C

She wonders when he ate last. ... "I'm starving," she says, although she's really not. "What are you in the mood for?" D'awww, always thinking of other people, our Nessa. I mean, I hated it on Show when they made her Little Miss ALWAYS EATING CAN I OFFER YOU SOME FOOD HAVE SOME FOOD YUM YUM YUM WANT SOME ICECREAM LET'S HAVE DINNER BLAH BLAH BLAH, cuz seriously, just because she's a big girl doesn't mean she's obsessed with food. Seriously show. You can give her a scene without food being mentioned. Really, you can. SAGFHAGDHADGK;A But this? This pretending to be hungry for other people's benefit? O NESSA ILU.

Vanessa drinks them too fast and starts talking faster still, YES. BABBLY!DRUNKEN!NESSA IS MY FAVOURITE TYPE OF NESSA. Also I have a thing for repetition so hai there Lil, say fast again. *g*

about how everybody is so single-minded that sometimes she wonders if she's doing something wrong, That's a very Vanessa-esque type of paranoia there. She was always jumping from one thing to another (usually on a whim) and yeh, I can totes see her being a bit weirded out by everyone else. I CAN'T WORD IT RIGHT, NGGGH, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, YEH? Yeh. Okay.

this crash course in medicine that's left her brain as bruised as her arms always were after a brutal hockey game. yesssssssssssss ilu! hockey similes are always a good thing ALWAYS. Especially when they are in reference to bruised brains jajajajajaja

Or if it's because of Deniz, who always could make her feel like herself. And that, that right there, is the reason I always always adored their friendship better than any other friendship Show has ever given us. Because no-one makes me love Deniz quite the way Vanessa does (and vice-versa).
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[info]graspthethorn on June 7th, 2010 06:09 pm (UTC)
She should have known it had to do with Roman. "It always did," a small part of her sighs in frustration. omg, Vanessa's one of those DERO4EVA people, isn't she? Ahahhaha BUT NO, SRSLY, I love the fact that it's only a small part of her that's frustrated, cuz really she's over deniz, really really over him, okay? There was no way they would evr have worked and she's totally okay with that. Except maybe there's a little bit left over JUST A LITTLE BIT that kinda misses how easy it was with deniz, at least in the beginning, when neither of them had to think about work, or being proper grown-ups, or about being thousands of miles away from family and friends. And o gosh, deva<3

There's a lecture perched on the edge of her lips, full of things that she's said to him before and things she'd wanted to say but never got the chance. hahahha I can totally see Vanessa as the sort of person who re-does arguments in her head, just so she can say all the things she didn't think of at the time, all the witty and ever-so cutting things that Jenny or Roman would have managed to say the first time round, but she's too nice to ever actually say. And guh. I love it. So so much.

...clumsily spilling green ice over the side... upset!messy!deniz is upset and messy. O god. what is this I don't even :CCCCCC

She's wanted him to know what it feels like to have your heart crushed, your trust mangled. She's pictured him completely broken, his tears unstoppable, with someone else's meaningless "sorries" ringing in his ear. And once, she knows she would genuinely have welcomed that. But those days are long gone. o bach, this is so brilliant. Because YES YES THIS IS ME. I always wanted Deniz to get hurt emotionally. I loved it when he wrote that letter and Roman threw it away. Seeing him on the floor in the locker-room crying his heart out actually made me happy in a twisted vengeful way. And yet this Marc situation and the way he is going to be shattered? This is actually making me change my mind about him. Because I don't want him hurt like that. He's come such a long way and I've forgiven him. And now he's going to be broken. Omg. :C

Now, as Deniz tells her about Marc -- and more, about Roman -- she can't find it in her heart to gloat. ME NEITHER, NESSA BB, ME NEITHER.

"But he's not answering his phone now and I just…"
"You just know."
:CCCCCCCCCCC o my god. That's just heartbreaking, lil. I don't know whether to love it or hate it. It's just so... Idk, sharp. And painful. *wibble*

They turned out to be so much harder to recover from; she's still not sure she can trust her own intuition, even now. That is perfect. THAT LINE, RIGHT THERE. You could have just written that and nothing but that and I would have loved it. The lies you tell yourself are always so much harder to get over than the lies other people tell you. If another person tells you you're useless and stupid and utterly worthless then yeh, you'll be hurt but you'll get over it eventually. But if you convince yourself that those things are true then you're fucked, quite frankly. GUH I AM SO GLAD YOU'VE WRITTEN THIS. IT'S BASICALLY MY MIND ON A PAGE. AND I LOVE YOU FOR IT.

...not windows to his soul but to his heartache :C Can I climb inside your brain and sit there for a while and hope some talent rubs off on me??? :DDD No, but srsly, this is just so upsetting in a good way. AND I NEVER WANT IT TO END LOL

After they've made it back inside his room and she leans against the door, and Deniz leans against her and kisses her. I wish this is the way it happened in canon. I would have shipped it like nobody's business. Doorway kisses are the best kisses IDEC IF THEY'RE SLOPPY DRUNKEN ONES THEY'RE STILL THE BEST <33333

She wakes up many hours later as a siren wails from the street below. How much do I love it that it's sirens that have woken her up? SIRENS. OMG. LIL. I don't even need to ramble on about how much I love it BECAUSE IT'S SIRENS. AND THEY'VE WOKEN HER UP. AFTER SHE'S JUST NEARLY SHAGGED HER EX. AHAHAHAHHA ILU FOR THIS SO MUCH.
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[info]graspthethorn on June 7th, 2010 06:11 pm (UTC)
she and Deniz have somehow made it to the bed, with both of them still wearing enough clothes to reassure her that nothing happened. His back presses up against her and he makes fretful little noises in his sleep. Firstly, I actually ship them more for having kept their clothes on than I would if they'd actually shagged. And the fact they didn't manage much more than kissing before falling into drunken stupors shows just how fucking drunk they had to be to open up to each other. Which is actually really heartbreaking cuz, you know, it's deva. They're meant to be bffs. They're meant to understand each other. And he still needs about six litres of alcohol in his bloodsteam before he'll tell her stuff. O, deniz. :CCC

Vanessa remembers a bad dream she had once, long ago, one that she tried to forget, of Deniz making love to her and Roman at the same time. It's lost its sting since; now, it feels like it must have happened to someone else. I just rewatched that episode the other day and o god Lil. I don't even know what to say. This is all just so sad and heartbreaking and I want to cuddle both of them and not let go because everything's falling apart and I don't want it to. Omg. Bach. What have you done to me.

hoping that this time, karma will be merciful. :CCCCCC YOU HAVE BROKEN ME. I'LL BE HERE SOBBING INTO MY BRAND-NEW TSHIRT THAT I SWORE TO MYSELF I WOULDN'T GET DIRTY. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT WHY ARE YOU SO GOOD AT BREAKING MEEE :CCCCCCC

I LOVE THIS AND YOU, BACH<333333333333~
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Lilith: actor-andré & igor[info]lilithilien on June 7th, 2010 08:18 pm (UTC)
DID I TELL YOU YET HOW MUCH I LOVE THESE COMMENTS? AND HOW I'VE BEEN BEAMING SINCE I STARTED READING THEM? *LOVE LOVE LOVE*

I'm especially chuffed that you're taking this Deniz to heart. I know you're not the biggest Deniz fan (understatement of the century) and that you're wanting to cuddle him for what he's about to go through is just brilliant!

I AM SORRY THAT YOUR NEW TSHIRT IS GETTING SULLIED BUT THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE DERO LOVE IS DIRTIED LIKE THIS.

*LAUNDERS AND PRESSES AND LOVES LOVES LOVES*




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winterlover: AWZ - Deniz doubt[info]winterlover on May 3rd, 2011 10:09 pm (UTC)
Oh, I just discovered this wonderful story for the SEXYs-voting and Rose, next time we have to have a category for "best comment on a fic". I would nominate yours!
<3333
I wasn't around for DeRo1.0 but you made me feel what it must have been like then.
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Lilith: awz-contents are fragile[info]lilithilien on June 7th, 2010 08:02 pm (UTC)
Except maybe there's a little bit left over JUST A LITTLE BIT that kinda misses how easy it was with deniz, at least in the beginning, when neither of them had to think about work, or being proper grown-ups, or about being thousands of miles away from family and friends. And o gosh, deva<3

HAHAHAHAH OH ROSE DON'T MAKE ME SHIP DEVA HARDER! I already said that, about how they were kids together. They were so cute and unsuitable for growing up, I think that's one of the things that Show really kinda lucked into, but it's one of the really profound things about that whole time. And then they had to go and fuck it up. But even that makes sense too, in a way. And I bet when Vanessa remembers that time, it's those times that stand out for her.

Wow, DeVa really was about her loss of innocence, wasn't it? Which is what I think DeRo 3.0 is for Deniz now. GAH ROSE NOW YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE ME AGREE WITH ALL THE PEOPLE WHO ARE MOANING THAT DERO 3.0 IS THE SAME AS DEVA! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

The lies you tell yourself are always so much harder to get over than the lies other people tell you. If another person tells you you're useless and stupid and utterly worthless then yeh, you'll be hurt but you'll get over it eventually. But if you convince yourself that those things are true then you're fucked, quite frankly. GUH I AM SO GLAD YOU'VE WRITTEN THIS. IT'S BASICALLY MY MIND ON A PAGE. AND I LOVE YOU FOR IT.

Oh Rose! *loves you so hard* This is the whole reason I'm such a sucker for infidelity stories, because I love how they explore this question. How do you convince yourself to ignore what you know is happening? You are so right, those things you tell yourself are so much more damaging -- and that's what I want to see the aftermath of DeRo 3.0 explore. If they make it through somehow, then I want to see them rebuild that trust, externally and internally.

That, and a pony.

*merges brains so we can just share for a bit*
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Lilith: awz-vanessa[info]lilithilien on June 7th, 2010 07:39 pm (UTC)
ROSE ROSE ROSE I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU AND THIS IJ-BUSTING COMMENT SO SO SO MUCH!!!! I will give you repetition and frothy wakes and anything your heart desires, because OMG I am so happy that you took a chance on a DeVa fic for me!! That's incredible! (I'm still kinda boggling that I wrote a DeVa fic at all, but she just started talking. Unlike when I try to get her to talk about her relationship with Nina, when she clams up and says it's private and to piss off.)

I'm so glad you liked the food thing and her noticing his appearance. Vanessa was always such a caretaker, I thought -- I almost called it motherly, but I hate that, because I don't think she mothered him as much as she was his playmate/peer most of the time. But even when they were connecting as kids, like when they were pretending to run the bar (oh hai Bernd! how's your organic tomato crop this year?), she was always the responsible one who was thinking about other people. I don't know if that makes sense, that I think of her as maternal but not motherly? Gah, words.

Anyway I THINK YOU UNDERSTAND ME. (AND IF YOU DON'T JUST NOD AND PRETEND YOU DO.)

She was always jumping from one thing to another (usually on a whim) and yeh, I can totes see her being a bit weirded out by everyone else.

YES, THIS. I cannot even imagine her in med school with all the high-achieving American students (esp if she's in the combined undergraduate/med school at Boston University bc god, those people are scary - they've been planning for medical careers since kindergarten). I bet she's so lonely, and I really would like her to return home and be miserable and thinking of dropping out or changing degrees of something that would be more Vanessa-like. But no, Show will probably have her return as a full fledged practicing doctor after a year. ;)

Because no-one makes me love Deniz quite the way Vanessa does (and vice-versa).
*cuddles you tightly and doesn't let go*
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Linda: AWZ Vanessa[info]vitacrudelis on June 7th, 2010 06:24 pm (UTC)
Thank you for such a wonderful story, Lilith! <3 Well, I suck at giving proper comments and coherent thoughts, so I probably just flail in the following.

I really like how you picture Vanessa here. She'd immediately notice any difference and she has this kind of maternal concern. Wouldn't she wonder about his weary appearance and his eating habits? And dude, do I miss their teasing and fooling around as friends. (Not that childlike behaviour when they were dating *rolls eyes*) And this?

Or if it's because of Deniz, who always could make her feel like herself.

So true. I don't even know why but I <3 this detail. Deniz always said her name as if her name itself could express her personality. Only during their dating time, she temporally was this different person who was definitely not Vanessa the way we love her.

And o my, she would jump to the conclusion that Deniz did the same mistake again, wouldn't she? That time of her life must have left a great influence. Her flashback to that time reveals a part of it.

I'm relieved that they just kissed. :P But the last sentence almost broke me. :( She knows how this situation feels but nevertheless, she doesn't want him to suffer the same. *loves*

Now, I can't wait for her return. I really hope that she'll have the possibility to interact with Deniz and/or Roman because I don't want her just to be wasted in a Steinkamp scheme or even in a ridiculous Oliver!plot. D:

Again, thanks for this story! <333
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Lilith: awz-vanina[info]lilithilien on June 7th, 2010 08:23 pm (UTC)
Oh wow, that's your flail? It strangely resembles my most coherent! I'm impressed!

I'm so thrilled that you liked it! YES I love your observation about how he says her name. (Although I think he says Roman's the same way - he does love to say Roman's name.) There's something very deliberate in how he addresses both of them, like he is drilling into the core of their personality. It's lovely!

Thank you so, so much for this lovely comment. And I agree, I really hope they *do* something with her and not just have her standing around being Steinkampian. She's got so much more to offer!
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Diana: AWZ- Axel crying[info]notoriouslyuniq on June 7th, 2010 10:23 pm (UTC)
*is a sniffling shivering pile of woobie*

DOOOOOOOOOOOD! This is BRILLIANT!

That is SOOOOOOO Vanessa!

And dare I be just a tab bit masochistic and say I wish they had gine further? (inorite!?) Cuz that would have been so dramatic and hard on Roman and I just LOVE those dysfunctional SLs where no one is the single victim but everyone hurts each other
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Lilith: awz-deniz thought it was going so well[info]lilithilien on June 8th, 2010 02:43 am (UTC)
Thank you!!!!!!!!! I swear, I went back and forth on how far they would have gone, and I do love the hurt all around, but just... I kinda think they're past that now. Maybe not Deniz, he might need momentary comfort, but Vanessa, I think she'd wake up at some point and go, "Dude, what is this?" Or maybe even "you can comfort someone without getting naked!" lol!

Thank you BB I'm so glad you liked it!!!

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antiteb: LoveOhLove[info]antiteb on June 10th, 2010 04:32 pm (UTC)
You made me save DeVa-fic on my laptop??? How did this happen? o.O

What I like about the story? (Everything!)
Vanessa's first reaction when Deniz mentions another guy. It had to be Deniz who did something wrong. Because who would think that "our" Roman could do something that's not "right"?? Poor Deniz! *gg*

I also like that they are still so comfortable with each other, even when they didn't see the other one for quite a while.

The end, did they or didn’t they have sex? Hmm... It doesn't really matter. Deniz needs someone who is there for him and most of the people in Essen are first and foremost Roman’s friends.
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[info]klutzerina on June 11th, 2010 01:47 pm (UTC)
Oh Lil, I'm so glad I finally found time to read this! *adores* I'm a sucker for pure angst, and your writing portrays it with such a sense of honesty and truth.

She's wanted him to know what it feels like to have your heart crushed, your trust mangled. She's pictured him completely broken, his tears unstoppable, with someone else's meaningless "sorries" ringing in his ear. And once, she knows she would genuinely have welcomed that. But those days are long gone.

I love how realistic this statement is. It's so hard to imagine that, after the excruciating pain has eventually faded to a dull ache, anyone would wish that kind of pain on even their worst enemy.
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Lilith: awz-vanessa[info]lilithilien on June 11th, 2010 02:46 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! I love hearing that other folks enjoy wallowing in the angst too! :) And I'm so glad you picked out that passage, it's a feeling that I've had more than once, and I would hope Vanessa's gotten there. I'm pretty sure she has.

I can't wait for her to come back!!!

Thanks for your lovely comment!
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쉘리 I whip my hair like Bang Bang: awz - vanessa = bamf[info]sdk on June 13th, 2010 12:42 am (UTC)
Am I the only one that didn't bat an eye at the DeVa? LOL IDK. I actually got all excited when I saw this. (YES, YES, CRAZY PERSON HERE.)

Anyway, omg, Lil. Vanessa is just so perfect here and it makes me miss her so much. I instantly flashed back to one of the last times we saw her and Deniz interact on the show, and I really really hope they get to interact again soon, omg. Yes, I'm craving Deniz/Vanessa interaction. IDK.

The thing that really struck me about this was how well she can read him when her heart's not involved (that line so perfect!) and how she wants him to be spared the pain she went through even though she's wished it on him before. It just is so spot on and kills me because we all wanted Deniz crushed to little itty pieces for the crap he pulled back then, but NOT ANYMORE, OMG. IT'S TOO LATE, STOP THIS HEARTBREAKING STUFF.

Anyway, babbling obvs, but I <3 this!! DEVA FOR SEXYS!
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